Monday, March 29, 2010

Day 194

Test today....

Really sleepy during the test.

I've done my best and still... 74.5 marks was almost 10 marks up from my last result.... but still... I rank among the lowest in my squad? Gosh.

Revolver course.... pretty good start, but the last hand I was unable to concentrate... not too bad overall.

Night spent in CB for sushi and some hanging around.... been chatting to horace and jeff thru phone.... hope to see them soon in/after easter.

I feel so sleepy now.... probably time for me to sleep. Next time.

Weekend.

Weekend.... nothing much.

Some TV, Sports (watching sports) all day, the HK Sevens is on again.... great game between the teams, the crowd were so excited, hope I can see it life next year.

A bit of gaming and the sunday spent on studying.... it's test again on Monday.....

Life is tough, isnt it?

Day 189, 190, 191, 192 and 193.

A whole week has passed without me even logging onto this site. Busy? No. Self Isolation? Definitely.

What I can say is.... life is not always going the way you wanted... I should have realized this earlier.... there were so many signs but i just fail to take note.

I have once again, failed the leadership exercise assessment. I'm just one more go before i got expelled from here.... future looks pretty grim...

I cant help myself but feel defeated... I've gave the best shot but still.... it didnt work out...

Parents and friends are all being supportive... but it's just me that I cant face... when I finally thought I've found my way in life... some job that I treasure.... but now I'm screwing that up..... frustrated.

I feel weak... I turned to God for answer... maybe he has plans for me, but I just dont get it.... I'm covered in darkness now...

I should have died were my mind was weaker.... in severe despair and lost of goal in life.... suicide thoughts can come in quite easily... shame i still got things that I treasure in life.... I just cant die yet.

Will I be able to turn this all around? Pull out the 'great escape' here? I dunno.

One can only hope.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

If I were...









Utopia is such a dream, nightmare will end some day...

I'm at neither of these places.





Funny, irony?



I use to think I'm head-and-shoulder above others.... blah blah blah.... thanks for letting me know the truth, the hard way.

It's no longer a matter of effort.... it's ability.

I dont even trust myself... why should others do it? Be objective.





"If you cant beat it, join it.".... I'll sell my soul to anything that can get me rich. It's not my choice, but it's made for me.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

鄭秀文 - 上帝早已預備

A lot on my mind lately.

But as the lyrics wrote:

就算我可得到今生的自豪
但你卻說要我知道
別為因此而煩惱 在絕望裡投訴
只要仰望主哪怕會迷路

上帝早已預備 我不相信運氣
即使風光明媚 但卻不是你預期
上帝早已預備 至少我不被遺棄
難得你為我死

Thank you Lord.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Weekend

Saturday.

A day to nurse the exhaustion from the crazy night beforehand.

By evening I receive an unexpected present (though it sits on my desk for days already).... thanks honey. It's been really unexpected and I love it.

Saturday and Sunday morning.... very wasted on games...

Note for Self.... get a grip on yourself. This kind of madness towards game will get you killed somedays....

Sunday afternoon.... the body signalled me i'm way too tired from constant gaming, it's voicing its protest so loudly that i must get some rest.... it's a blessing, at least I can lay my hands off the control for a while...

Another weekend wasted, just like that.

Day 188

Visit to mortuary in the morning...

Reminds me of the day i spent in university, learning anatomy.

Human is no different from animal, without its soul, it's nothing but flesh and bones.

Health is so important... it's a habit.... if you invest now into conserving health, you might not notice right away, but it surely yields dividents in years to come. On the contrary, if you take loans from it, you'll bear the consequencies in the future... I'm glad I've made my choice, how about you?

Stage report and a guest lecture for the remaining of days. Glad my effort in training has been recognised. I'll just have to do my best and ensure a passing out from this place.

Night, boys-night-out with Jeff, Alvin and Lo Kai.... happy times...

Who'd have imagined discussion on communism or socialism can be so much fun?

We've done something crazy that night, hot pot in Jordan, drink afterwards in TST, but we ended up spending the night in a bar in LKF.... what a night.

Hope we can have more chance to hang out like that.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Day 187

Day back to Hell.

Forgot to mention but seriously, my current DMI is a complete arse. With no flexibility nor ability whatsoever.... no wonder people are always despising the police... If I were forced to deal with him for whole 36 weeks I'm sure I go demented too.

Nevermind..... the footdrill was exhausting but useless.... effort wasted totally. What a shame.

PT session... nearly drowned when trying to life-save some colleague.... crazily tired and my Quads were twitching and having spasm owing to the exhaustion..... horrible feeling.

OU was normal.... same boring and quality reading time.

Spent some time to meet with Dave Lewis regarding my exercise and reassessment on Wednesday.... Seems so inspiration from hime but feeling confused all the same.... um.... I dont know.

Dinner went out with Mi, to Wu Chung Building near Wan Chai.... Vietnamese food was okay... an ordinary night out...

Must sleep now... tomorrow will visit the mortuary and got a gathering with Jeff, Lo Kai, Alvin and Co.... looking forward.

Day 186

A good day.

Today was spent outside campus in Fanling for traffic related training..... it's so good to breath the air of freedom for a change.

Totally quality teaching there.... not because of good presentation or visual aid... but solely because of the 'flexibility' of the instructor.

Start the day with breakfast break and frequent recess, together with a 'I dont care if you're napping' approach.... that really keep our morale up and pay attention.... when'll the staff here learn?

Lunch was good.... spent some time in the library coz there're just too much time for lunch, read some interesting book there ^^ (especially the Snoopy cartoon) must find some time and visit the library more often.

Night went out with Mi to meet her friends.... pretty interesting friends she had there, shame the time is so short... but nevermind... can always meet again some other time.

Day 185

Sick leave day.

Woke up 'feeling' sick.... i love the term 'feeling'..... it's all psychological.... (but yet, if you believe, mind affect body very much.....) My rational mind told me it's not a day for training and the doctor confirmed my 'diagnosis'..... I was granted a day off.....

I think it's actually beneficial to me..... coz the whole day was footdrill, PT and OU..... pretty pointless.....

Unfortunately for you.... you got confined for some absurd reason and I'm not there to support you.... sigh..... just be careful next time....

Being lazy lazy the whole day.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Day 184

Work again.

Woke up with a head-splitting headache..... possibly the after effect from the lack of sleep?

Didnt want to waste a sick leave on such a lax day..... I gathered myself and go on with class....

Morning footdrill..... no quality at all.... what more can i say? Mi almost fainted half way through the lesson..... poor.....

The remaining of the day was better.... guest lecture by a traffic guy.... easy going.... and my mental state was more or less the same.... come and go.....

So tired now.... better sleep early tonight.

Hope tomorrow I dont have to call in sick..... let's see.

Weekend

Nothing much in this weekend....

Saturday, by the time i wake it's already past noon.... did nothing much while see you napping.....

Night went out with the usual JIC guys, James, Kathy and Jonathan, shame Sally couldnt join us (again).... it's been good to meet up.... when old faces are around it seems to sweep away all my worries.....

Sunday..... not good.... feeling ill..... partly because my mom woke up in some inhumane hours to tell me she sense tireness in my breath.... good call, mom..... I couldnt get back to sleep since.... and was having vertigo for the whole day.....

Need to get back to the 'institute' at night..... when will all these life end?

Day 183

A friday... as usual, start off the day with footdrill (which in my opinion, is totally useless.)

Tactics lesson in the morning, the use of flashlight, pretty interesting stuff with quite a number of techniques and applications.

Trial fitted the ceremonial dress in the afternoon..... it's so tight that I can hardly breath.....

Range course in the afternoon, finally, scored the perfect mark in this course, with pretty good grouping too, I'm satisfied.

Get away from the campus the first thing after work..... went to dinner with Mi and meet with her friends.... and that night I got chance to meet with Kathy, as she's around in CB too... made an impromptu gathering to be held on Saturday (TBC).

Night.... spent at home.... it's good.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Day 181, 182

The reason i write everyday (not every... but close) is not for any other person, but the fact that I want to have some form of record, a time to recollect my thoughts after each day/each entry, and I've developed a habit of writing, which is hard to get rid of.... and I think it's going to be great when I look back some 10, 15 years from now.... I might be able to laugh at some of my silly comments.....

I'm probably drifting too far now.... getting back to my life lately....

Wednesday... stupid morning..... I grew sick and tired of the footdrill lesson after like 1 hour of training.... how was I able to stand it for 5 hours? I'm impressed with myself.

Worked a bit on homework in the afternoon, before listening to a guest lecture on CAPO.

Evening... had the chance to run an exercise my colleagues gave me.... well.... I appreciate their effort.... yes, I've learnt something.... but were they useful? I cant tell.... only later shall I know.

Thursday....

Swimming non-stop in such a weather is killing and exhausting..... thankfully I've got the OU lessons to refill my energy.

Dine out at "the flying pan" tonight.... was not too bad.... though I admit it's a bit expensive.

I'm feeling the stress... not because of the job... but because of you... I cant left you heart broken.

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Day 180

It's chilling today.

Morning parade in the morning.... totally frozen.... joints cant move freely....

Footdrill to follow..... you call that a lesson? Is that a joke?

OU and more OU filled the day....

Life's getting routine.... and boring....

Self-run exercise tonight... frankly.... all your effort is very much appreciated but I dont need those.... i knew too well my weaknesses and the exercise is not going to help me get through it.... I'll have to fight my own devil myself... sorry if i sound cruel, but that's the fact. I still do it tonight because I dont want to see you sad only... sigh.... I really shouldnt say that much... I'll do whatever that can make you feel better.

Monday, March 08, 2010

Day 179

Whole day working on CAPO and practical.

I gave blood today..... i hope if fung shui is true, I'd have saved myself from something bad through the intended bleeding ^^

Got extra footdrill in the evening, what a waste of time.

*4~ Time flies, isnt it?

Shame tonight it's such a short night.....

Time to sleep now.... later then.

Weekend

Weekend was wasted, totally.

Saturday morning, need to work as DO.... doing nothing but sitting in a boring duty room for the whole morning....

The afternoon was so tired that I slept through it, only getting home at night.

When I got back I got a bit of stomache and I did nothing but sleep.

Woke up late on Sunday... doing nothing and wasted another good weekend.

Got back to college..... cant stand the people.... their ways of doing things are horrible.... was so pissed and I've gone beserek... (rightly so)..... stressed with the work piling up.... not even you can help as this has got nothing to do with you..... just let me be, I dont want to hurt you because of my temper.....

Day 178

I forgot what I've done the whole day.... i guess.... nothing much but sleeping through the class....

Night went out for a dinner with Jeff and Lily..... he's such a good/comforting friend that I need not to hide anything, any feeling from him..... he's always the first to know my situation..... I felt better once I talked my situation with him. And by being a good friend means when I'm in trouble, he can always distract me with some good humoured joke and blathering topics..... I had so much fun that night.... hope to meet up soon.

Went wandering in TST later that night.... I dunno.... I was confused too.... I suddenly grew uncertain about my future... glad you're by my side... I love to share my every feelings with you... but do you have time to listen? I'm glad tonight we've spent such good times talking about these... best is yet to come?

Day 177

A routine thursday.

The swim in the morning was good.... but tiring as well.....

Met with a University classmate in the evening today..... he intended to join the force too.... I dont know why but looking at him, I kind of see myself 1 years ago..... full of passion, sick of the dentistry job and searching for my own way..... see what I've become now? Am I deviated from what I planned to do at first? Am I heading the right way?

Night... I was being unstable lately..... causing trouble not only to myself but people around me... gosh.... it's a cold war.

Day 174, 175 and 176 (Hell week)

Once you stop writing for a while, the harder it gets for you to resume writing again..... one reason is the feeling grew weaker and weaker and you can no longer write the day with passion..... your piece became a dead wood..... blend and lifeless..... I hope i didnt bore you with my piece here.

48 hours, not a single minute missing..... the hell week.

Non stop physical exercise, living in fear, draining of the brain, torture and pain, sleepless nights.... um.... that sums it up quite well.

The arrangement of this hell week is quite the same as last time, only the minor details were different.... I'm glad that Mary was lighter than before and the physical standard was more reasonable....

The hell week is always, not a pleasant experience for me.... I've screwed up with my own case and was worrying about yours... but thankfully, you got it right at last.... at least, I have one thing less on my mind now....

I grew tired after the hell week..... not just physical, but mental as well... it's just annoying.

Thursday, March 04, 2010

Day 174 (first half)

It's been so long since I updated.... got issues in hand that kept me hold up over the last few days.... read more and you'll know.

Monday.... a pretty ordinary day.... except for the fact that every staff are giving us clues on when the 'hell week' will start.... Skipped the RC paper exam (Coz I've done it before) and for the PT session.... it's swimming training.... I felt my swimming skill is getting better.... but still... swimming non-stop can be a tiring task.....

Afternoon..... revolver course, 6 rounds in 12 seconds..... I was unable to perform on that day..... i dunno why..... stress maybe? Just got too much thoughts through out the training..... I almost need a retake at the test.... but fortunately, i scored full marks in my last hand of bullets such that I dont have to waste further effort in that course.... such effort is best to be placed in the upcoming hell week.... more on that in the next post.

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Hell week feeling...

Though the hell week is still in place and my performance is not too good... but I'm glad I have this time to stop for a while and reorganize the thoughts.....

Physically.... I'm glad I've improved (or they've lowered the standard).....

Mentally.... some problems still.... but was able to calm my nerve for most of the time.... which I'm satisfied.....

As a team.... well..... both 516 and 517 consists of some good people..... but it's more harmonic in 517 and I actually enjoyed being here.....

Sigh..... I'm pending the result to be released some time later this evening.... but no matter what, as my colleague suggest, it's not the end of the world..... and moreover.... even if I have to leave.... this's been a wonderful experience here....

Let's not think too much and just let it be...

PS. I prayed today.... not just for myself..... but for you as well... Things shall be fine, relax.