Day 135

O well.... what must I say about today?

It's a bad day.

The morning parade in the morning isnt too bad.

SSP reassessment.... fucked is the word to go.... but despite all this.... there're still merits....

Must work better next time.

So this is confirmed.... I will have the passing out somewhere in May instead of February.

Still..... anything that doesnt kill me make me stronger. I'll live through it.

Day 134

Another day in misery.

Still, got some ideas as the day went on.

PT in the morning.... maybe it's just been too long since work out and too many food..... must find some time and get back in shape.

OU tutorial and lecture..... sleep, and more sleep.... is it good or bad that this is the final lesson of OU? It's been a large part of police training life but shamefully i dont remember much of if.

During OU and afterschool spent some time on preparing for tomorrow's reassessment.... Just be calm and do the best..... a clear mind and calmness shall suffice.

Not much tonight.... I'd better sleep now.

PS. All the best to test 3... Looking forward to Macau already.

Day 133

Less and less interesting the day goes in school lately.....

Morning, footdrill in the rain....

Lecture afterwards.... struggled to stay awake till my 'official' sleeping time.... was kept up till late the night before for essay/rubbish writing..... slept non-stop through OU class.....

Afternoon, some self study time and a guest lecture on court.... that concludes the day.

Got some extra leadership training with colleagues afterwork.... it's been good... never expected there are so much room for improvement.....

Got an anxiety attack and wanted to get out for a change...... went to Sai Wan at last and ran into Rachel..... some chat, more blathering kept my mind away from the work in school lately....

Looking forward to the dinner reunion next week.

PS. I love the present.... it's more valuable than anything I've received~

Day 132

Test 5 day.

The test result was not too good. No wonder the course instructor was furious about the result.... I have done the best I can.... havent I? I cant stop questioning myself.....

Though this week consist of 4 days only.... but everyday seems like a different kind of challenge.... Monday for test. Tuesday to hand in 2 useless essay on psychology. Wed is a bit better. Thursday is for the make or break leadership reassessment..... now got the test done.... one less hurdle.

The night spent on writing bullshit on paper.... I have no intention to even proof-read my essays cause i knew I will have no idea what I'm writing.... so nevermind......

Now got 2 task out of my head.... I must focus and concentrate on the last part.... I need to play the waiting game now....

God bless.

謝安琪 - 後窗知己

Some feelings

My mood has been fixed at at semi-depression state lately.... Not that I wanted to be this way.... but it's just the stress.... it's overwhelming me....

I used to say 'It's just work....' or 'nothing really matters', but in fact.... is it true? I can totally understand why you'll get mad at notes sometimes.... coz I will do the same if i were you.

I seem.... so out of place everywhere.... be it at work, with friends, or sometimes even at home...

To my beloved fourteenth floor brothers, I'm so sorry I can not make to the gathering, I'm just afraid my presence will spoil the festive feelings.... I hope the next time I see you again I can be the same mikel that you knew.

"難得　有人待我這麼好　如此照料周到　何事我又要讓人　最苦惱" This song keep ringing in my head since reading your blog... Do not let my frustration affect you.... I want you happy.

Time to get back to study now....

Day 131 and Christmas.

Day 131, a visit to mock court....

Nothing much.... the lecture was a bit long-winded.... but not too bad coz I've applied for a leave half-way through the day.......

Got lunch at home, whole family are there for lunch, the last time was some years ago already.

A check up at QMH, nothing new..... to be reviewed again 4 months later~

Meet with Kennon in CWB, it's so crowded there. It's really great to see him again, if I'm not in such a down mood the meeting could have been a great one.... look forward another such meeting soon, when I have all my worries solved.

Silent night... Since everywhere is so crowded, I ended up staying at home..... cooking dinner myself, it's been so long since I cook.... I'm glad you like the food... As the movie "Love Actually" said, Love is actually all around you.... and I feel a lot tonight.

Christmas, Thanks so much for Jeff's invitation, had a wonderful night with buddies at jeff's place... Miss you guys so much....

PS. Finally fixed the date, I shall be out of town from 1st till 3rd of January. A good get-away trip.

Day 130

Ordinary, sleepy day....

Footdrill, followed by OU, guest lectures and stuff..... feeling a constant urge of sleep...

Now feeling the stress of test 5 and assignments.

Christmas celebration in officers' mess tonight.... nothing but a complete waste of time..... i dunno, i've become wordless on many occassion tonight..... too tired lately (both mentally and physically)

I needed a good christmas break.

Thank you for believing me when I'm not even believing in myself.

Make or break chance on next week.... Whether it's Yes, No or Go.... I dunno....

I'm feeling weak.

Day 129

Physically demanding day.

Morning parade, PT and extra PT in the afternoon..... leave me dead as wood.

It's no fun swimming in an unheated pool in a 14C morning.... The icy water gives stabbing sensation to the head but the same time.... it leads to some clarity in mind.....

My current plight is so similiar to situations I've come across before... Year 4 Midterm? Or the self-destruction tendency during Year 5 Final and Patient report time? I must trust in myself..... I can do it.

So sleepy now.... must sleep now.... still got papers to write and notes to read tomorrow.

PS. Thank you for the dinner tonight... I needed that.
PS2. Brother is now back.... must find some time and get back home.

Day 128

Once again... I didnt update last night....

I'm just feeling tired lately.....

I dont know what I should say about my leadership exercise..... just felt.... I didnt perform to the required standard......

All is not lost yet.... but I need to work hard.....

Headache.

Weekend

Weekend was good.

Got IMAX "Avatar" at the new I-Square.... that should be a nice place to hang around should all the shops were opened.....

Movie, good plot, good world view, great CG and effects, good pace, good cast..... what more can I ask for? 9.5 out of 10 at least.

Went for some educational trip to science museum..... it's been so long since I went there..... it was a really fun day~

Dinner at ashley road..... must explore more place with good food.

Sunday.... nothing much.... dont want to work.....

Staying at home, fooling around, watch some TV and at night it's the family dinner..... good to see everyone again~

Now got back in school again..... tomorrow is the big day..... my make or break chance..... but should I be feared? I dunno, I'd rather think simple, just let it be~

Sleep now, shall write again tomorrow.

PS. What happen to this following pharse?? I saw it yesterday... typical chinglish....
"We are apologize for any inconvience cause due to our renovation."

Day 126, Day 127

It's been too lazy for me to put in entries in here these 2 days..... post-hell week syndrome maybe?

Day 126.... Thursday, A visit to Kwai Chung Mortuary..... it's not too bad, especially it's a young mortuary, it's nothing if you have been to Victoria Mortuary in summertime.....

The presentation and autopsy is pretty fascinating..... yet.... shall I persue a career in that field in the future? I dunno..... let's see.

More traffic offence lesson in the afternoon...... sleepy.....

Held up by Mr. Walton afterschool for some extra-exercise..... frankly, if there is no pressure, there's no difficulty at all in the exercise.... must learn how to ease myself in pressing situation.

Night.... spent on writing BS..... I have no idea what I have written.... nevermind, I'll know when the scores are back.

Friday. Sleepy as usual..... footdrill in the morning doing in-line and form squad kind of things.... mark time is tiring.....

OU and more OU..... what better action than to fall asleep to replenish myself?

Dinner went for Japenese buffet with colleagues in CWB..... very full now...

Went for a walk in TST, where are all the christmas decorations located? I cant find them.... please tell me if you have a clue where they are~

Will be in TST again tomorrow for movie, high expectations on IMAX and AVATAR...... let's see..... gotta relax myself before the big day on Monday. Wish me luck.

Day 125

Um.... what should I say about today?

There must be a bit of self-doubt after every failure, looking back, the performance was below my usual standard, I can have no complains, all I need to do is to avoid the same old mistake.

Maybe the failure is a blessing in disguise. At least I can reflect on my weaknesses, and to see who around me is true friends...

I was overwhelmed by paperwork lately..... and the course instructor's 'good intention' turns out to be a big burden for me, as I'm already lacking in time...... what must i do?

PS. The only concern I have is you.... sorry for making you worry. Relax, I will be fine.

I See You - Leona Lewis

I love it already even before seeing it.

Day 124

Okay, hell week is now officially over.

I didnt do too well in the assessment and has failed it.

But nevermind, anything that doesnt kill me makes me stronger.

Look forward to the re-assessment on Monday.

Day 123

Got a lot to write.

This is an ultra-long day.

From the aftermath of yesterday, the tireness is carried till today.

A day spent in Lamma Island.... with sprinting here and there my most common exercise.... simply put, i hate mountains, leave along tall mountains.

Got a chopper ride..... which was cool.... but the time before getting on the chopper is killing..... with all the wind and leaves blown around you, engine noise filled the sky.... I can imagine what the soldier might think everytime before getting on the chopper....

Finally got my exercise assessment..... Was not at my best standard.... But frankly, I dont care... I'm in no mood or mentality to argue now.... just fail me if you see fit, I knew I'll survive somehow.

More exercise at night... physical hardship is not going to defeat me.

Got an interesting topic to write on tonight, "How much I have changed since my first day in Police College." Shame it wasnt finished yet..... maybe I'll find some time (passing out?) and write this on my own.

It's really time to sleep.....

PS. Thanks, I'm with you always.

Hell week.

Hell week started 6 hours ago.

Was a bit lighter than I previously thought.

12 pounds dumbbell run to clearwater bay, stretcher race with a 200+ pounds dummy going back, then followed by exercise.....

Didnt perform too well as 2nd in charge of one exercise..... but still..... I'm not going to think too much. Anything that doesnt kill me makes me stronger. I must remember that.

Must sleep now. Looking forward to chopper ride tomorrow.

PS. Keep in touch through SMS.

Day 122 and weekend.

Day 122....

The swimming in the morning was bad.... the pool was freezing and i cant stop shaking whenever I'm in or out of the water...... Cant imagine the upcoming weeks when i have to practice life safing in even colder temperature.

The afternoon was spent on nothing..... do not want to write essays nor to think about the upcoming exercise.... it's just too much for me.

Saturday, tea with family, some gaming to soothe my nerve before heading out to Kowloon Bay for movie..... unfortunately, the movie "Storm warriors 2" was far worse than expected.... the sequal syndrome? It put too much emphasis on graphics (still, plagarism of classic '300' can be seen everywhere.) and focus too little on the plot..... simply, a story wasted.... I look forward to James Cameron's "Avatar", seen the trailers...... um... should be a good one, especially on IMAX.

Spent some time in IKEA and had dinner there..... Next holiday's travel plan must be planned way ahead to ensure I can get an air ticket.... or shall I get my flying license soon? In that way I can do some 'serious' travelling..... um.... let me dream about that.

I must draw analogy of my exercise team sirs/madams with the Dementor in Harry Potter's series, they both got the ability to sap away all sense of happiness from a person and leave him with nothing but hopelessness and despair...... Shall I start practicing magic soon so that I can ward them off??

Exercise is soon coming.... must get myself familiarised with some laws and take some rest before the real thing..... wish me luck.

Day 121

A day spent in Fanling.

Reason being the lesson of traffic held at the police driving school there.

First half.... sleepy...

Lunch.... lousy.

Second half.... the lecturer was not present.... spent for self study..... but mainly, my mind was focused on upcoming 48 exercise.....

The more I think, the more fearful i get....

I'll just let it be.....

Last night's effort in writing up the death report paid off.... I can finally have a night to sleep earlier..... hopefully I'll be more energertic tmr and can write up my essays during OU class time tmr.

PS. Going out on Saturday?

Day 120

Time is running fast before you know it. It's now already 120 full days since my training.... unfortunate, i started to feel a bit of bored of life in here..... stressed lately maybe? Been fighting with assignments and reports the whole night lately.

Morning Physical training.... first part was okay, on theory of life saving.... but the second part is killing.... jumping into the water and do laps after laps..... still feel the soreness in the thighs.....

OU tutorial, started drafting for the essays..... wrote a little but without real success..... should i go 'dont give a SHXX' and write up some garbage for the requirement? That's easy enough.

OU lecture in the afternoon..... wonderful sleeping time.....

Been kept locked up for too long... time for a change.... sorry i did not have full attention on you for our dinner tonight..... been too busy lately.... i hope you'd forgive me. ^^ I really treasure the time we have together~

Night time, fighting with death report..... It's called death report for a reason, I'm the one who almost died because of it...... luckily, it's now good and ready, one less task left on my mind......

Must get myself well prepared for the upcoming 48 hours challenge.....

Day 119

Another ordinary day (maybe that's because I'm so used to life here.... everyday seems normal now).....

Was still in deep impact from seeing what the exercise team has done to fellow intake colleagues..... must stand firm and be strong next week.....

Morning parade in the morning.... pretty normal stuff... the footdrill afterwards was tough but still bearable... got a lot to learn for preparing the passing out parade (though no guarantee we're going to pass.....)

Revolver course in the afternoon.... dim light, snap shot, 1 second per target.... maybe it's been too long since i handle a revolver.... it seems.... heavy and the trigger is stiff..... the feeling is bad....

Shooting decision test.... um.... pretty interesting things learnt today, especially when facing TASER..... something I'll bear in mind....

Got a short feedback from course instructor regarding my academic performance..... overall, not bad, in the top 5 of my squad now..... but still, need to work hard.....

Evening..... troubled by the death report the whole night.... and leave alone the OU essays.... why is the life here so crowded?

PS. I feel bad when seeing you're tired..... get more sleep~

Day 118

Pretty interesting day.... but also a fully booked, over exhausting, eventful....... and ultra-busy day.....

Got a message from ceci the night before, she seems to be doing quite fine with her nursing duties (quite unlike the person i know from hall..... time really matures people). Gave her a call in the morning and she seems to be doing good, that's good news.

Footdrill in the morning.... nothing much.... Seeing 515 flying the chopper is more of an impact to us... just one week..... and I shall be free afterwards.

Had exercise with walton the whole day..... frankly.... it's a bit useless..... his briefing is not useful as they're common sense..... and the exercise is not dynamic nor hard enough to test the brain.... i dunno..... another afternoon wasted.

Now feeling the 'debts' are piling up.... homeworks, assignments..... blame it on the lazy weekends.... i now have 6000 words and a death report to write, possibly within this week..... gosh......

DO duty again.... what's wrong with the campus or I'm really low on luck..... a snake?? Why? Why me?? It's a total joke~

The night is totally wasted with work.... I just want more sleeping time~

PS. Planning travel is fun.... but is it going to work? 3 days?

Day 117 and weekend

Day 117, a friday.... not a good one, but not bad as well.....

I've applied for a sick leave in order to make myself fully well and getting ready for what's going to happen in the next week.

Have to attend to the government clinic.... it's a bad bad experience..... got to wait there for so long and the consultation only last for..... i dunno... 1 minute? Fortunately I feel okay now even without taking those medications. And the time spent waiting there I use it to chat with the RPCs.... pretty interesting feedback from them regarding life in Police College.

Friday night.... still feeling a bit sick and got home early that night..... sleep, sleep and more sleeping.

Saturday..... nothing much..... wasted another morning. Went out with Horace for a while, all the best to your exam.

Saturday night I went to some unknown territory, running into some people unexpectedly..... Time... is never enough... I'm sending you a guardian so that he can safeguard your sweet dreams ^^

Sunday..... got Monday blues again..... got a bad headache from all the assignments and papers..... sigh.....

PS. Graduation photo, when?

Belated day 116

Alright.... I've done my entries late these 2 days as I'm not feeling too well lately.... Collasping into my bed around 8ish, 9ish.....

The reason I'm free right now as I've applied for a sick leave today.... shall see a doctor soon (though I'm sure he'll say i'm fine and all those BS....)..... i need today to clear up all the works that have been piled up over the last few weeks (eg. assignments etc)

Let's get back to yesterday, the PSUC exercise.... once again, i was not chosen as the commander.... whether they're confident of my abilities or they've simply neglected me, i dunno.... but for myself, i have faith in my own abilities but some practice wont hurt~ Frankly, as an observer for the cases, I can think of many more alternatives and more reasonable approach to solve the problem, but wheter I can do the same while I'm in charge, i dunno, that's something that i need to try out during the hell week.

PS. Sent you my best wishes to your exam. (which should start in 15 minutes.)

Belated Day 115

Was an ordinary day...

Footdrill in the morning.... hot and sweaty...

OU tutorial..... got assignments again.... this will be a very busy period of time.

OU lecture.... sleeping non-stop.

Was fallen ill in the evening... sorry to have you worried so much.... sleeping early and is now feeling better.

I really shouldnt have set my heater to such high temperature.... I was feeling the burning heat when i woke up this morning.... rebirth through fire? Glad I'm alright now.

PS. By tomorrow everything will be fine, just fine.

Day 114.

Muscle still painful from yesterday's exercise.

Morning parade was fine.... getting use to that finally?

Boring lectures followed by even more boring lectures.

My old habit of gaming is kicking in again..... wasted time in the afternoon.

I hate tedious tasks.... how come people can be so inefficient when dealing with minor stuff?

Nevermind.

PS. What happened to your phone?